A woman once suggested that if we complain enough that the Universe will eventually give us what we need, or at least give us the tools and resources to get what we need. In my experience, it seems that you have to do a lot of loud complaining in order for this to happen, but it does happen.
Please allow me to ramble a bit.
I’d been looking for a way to get out of a toxic friendship for a long time. I’d tried many times in the past to leave but ended up being manipulated into staying. I’ve known this woman for years and at one point was convinced that I was in love with her. I met her a short time after I came out. She expressed interest, so what the hey, I thought. Let’s see what this whole dating thing is about.
She had a boyfriend who was “okay” with the idea of her seeing another woman. I don’t think she was honest there, because I don’t think he was ever really “okay” with the whole thing. That’s the vibe I got, anyway. In the time we were “together” we were rarely intimate. Most of the time we were together, she spent talking about her boyfriend. DO I KNOW HOW TO PICK THEM OR WHAT?
She married the boyfriend, got knocked up, shit out a kid and then her quirky behavioral personality things went off the charts. Terms like schizoaffective disorder and PTSD were thrown out. She moved out-of-state. I was done.
She got divorced, I figured, “cool, it can finally be just the two of us..” Wrong. She immediately started hunting for a brand new male companion. I was, as always, chopped liver, unless she needed a ride to her occult stores or a trip to a graveyard or something. Ultimately, she ended up moving in with a dude two hours south of here. I got married. She got pissed when I didn’t want to revisit what we had.
We drove down to Eugene last summer to bring her up to see a movie at the Clinton Street Theater and she was overmedicated and slept through it, which was irritating. That particular day I had been looking forward to seeing her. There wasn’t much catching up to be done because she was out of it.
Cut to this year: she came to town when The Damned played the Crystal Ballroom. I love The Damned. I’ve loved The Damned forever. They are one of my favorite bands and I very much wanted to be up front for this show. I was dreading going with her to this show, because I knew that a.) she’d require all of my attention, b.) she’d require that I do whatever she wanted, etc. Luckily for me, I’ve been in therapy for the past couple of years and have finally learned to look after myself and ask for what I need.
As I expected, she didn’t want to be up front for the show, but I did. She wasn’t pleased at my idea of her going to the balcony for the show, while J and I were up front. J didn’t want to be up front either, so okay, cool. They can balcony and I can be up front. Hooray. All parties are happy? Doubtful. We got to the Crystal Ballroom early, as we had purchased VIP tickets, which included a meet and greet, etc. I sprung for her to do the VIP Meet and Greet (because I wanted to do it and it would be a shitty thing to ditch her) so there you go. After the meet and greet, she slipped on the stairs and almost fell down the stairs. J caught her and she didn’t fall, thankfully.
In an attempt to kill time, we walked over to Everyday Music and met another person from the meet and greet and started chatting. We ended up bonding and hanging with her the rest of the evening. This toxic friend of mine spent most of the evening talking about herself and I got the sense that she didn’t like that I was paying attention to someone else.
In the weeks after the show, she’d posted some pro-Trump shit on her social media page. To be honest, she’d been doing this for a while. She wholeheartedly supports the president and all the right-wing shit he stands for. There was something that I commented on, in a snarky manner or something and she told me not to engage on her page. So, out of respect, I didn’t.
Cut to June. Her son was coming to visit her and she wanted to know if I wanted to get together.
My therapist and I had been discussing a way to sever ties and end the relationship. My therapist suggested that based on her behavior she might have Borderline Personality Disorder and, if that’s the case, there’s no getting out of it without setting off a nuclear bomb. “It’s probably best,” she said, “to tiptoe out of the relationship.”
So that was what I was working on. The Universe, however, had different plans.
She sent me a message:
Her: <Redacted> will be here June 27th to July 7. We’ll be in <Place> the 3rd and 4th of July like usual. I don’t know if that’s enough time. One question tho: The political stuff. Can we keep it where we don’t engage? Because everything I see you post I don’t agree with.
I interpreted her question to mean “stop posting political crap.” I could be wrong about that, but that’s how I interpreted it at the time. I sent the following:
Me: I am not sure what my schedule will be like that time. I am taking classes this summer on top of work. The new term starts that week and I’m not sure what it’s going to be like. I hope, regardless of whether or not we’re able to get together, that you have an amazing time with <Redacted>.
With regard to your question: I have spent the greater part of my life censoring myself for the comfort of other people and refuse to do that any longer. You have requested that I not engage on your page. I have done my best to comply with that. Perhaps I need clarification on what you mean. I interpret your question and statement to mean that you are requesting that I not post political things on my own page? (I don’t recall doing this when we met up last, but If I did, I apologize. It’s reflexive sometimes.) If this is so, I do not tell you to not post pro-Trump/conservative things on your page and expect the same courtesy. If you can not extend this courtesy to me, perhaps it’s a sign that as we’ve aged our values are too different for the friendship to continue.
To which she brought up that she didn’t care what I posted, but she felt like she lost a friend. “Years ago, people didn’t even ask who you were voting for,” she lamented. “They didn’t discuss politics or religion.”
I was at work at this point and my lunch break was over. So, I left the conversation. When I checked it on my break (a few hours later), I saw more messages. To summarize, she thought of me “like a sister” and how could I throw away this long friendship over political differences. Then, she hoped to see Trump in office for 8 years and that I should fight my ‘resistance’ for nothing.
I wanted out of the toxic relationship and was looking for the safest way to do so, looking for a way that I could preserve my boundaries and keep myself in tact. The Universe, apparently, sought to give me this opportunity. I didn’t have to tiptoe (though I was prepared to) and I didn’t have to set off any sort of nuclear bombs. Though, she did email me an angry email in which she referred to me as a “snowflake” and told me how shitty it was to toss her out ‘like street trash.’
Though it was tempting, I did not respond.
She wrote me today, again. I will not respond. I’ve blocked her and set up email rules so she goes to spam. I’m finally done with this toxic relationship after all of these years and it feels liberating.
I am told that I can expect to receive messages from her periodically, but eventually they may go away. I guess we’ll see.